The Lie Behind “Be a Man” That You are Fed.

From one man (or whatever you call me at the age of 17) to another, masculinity isn’t what you’ve been fed to believe it is. Let’s face the truth: the Indian film industry and other forms of mainstream media still feed us the same false perception of what a masculine man is. Unfortunately, people think it’s the truth, while in reality, it’s far from it.

Before we decode the actual meaning of being a man, let’s discuss what we have been fed for years. I’ll start by asking YOU: what does it mean to be masculine?

Here comes the answer we have been fed (which, of course, is far from true):

When we say someone is masculine, we may believe he is strong, unbeatable, physically massive and daunting, aggressive, and ready to take on deadly fights. He never cries, never shows fear, and never admits he’s hurt. He dominates every room, never backs down from a challenge, and treats respect as something to be won through fear.

He solves every problem with his fists and never loses an argument. He is the sole breadwinner, and a man who earns less is considered less of a man. He doesn’t cook, clean, or do “women’s work,” and he mocks any man who is gentle or sensitive as “soft.” He can also farm what we call “aura” these days (which is another big myth I will bust some day, when I sit down to decode what aura really is, as modern media needs massive fixing), and so on and so forth.

Someone can add more points to the list, but I believe you’ve got the idea.

So far, I have pretty much put into words the answers we have been fed by the media. And in case you still believe all this to be the true meaning of masculinity, I’ll say this with respect, but also as a word of truth: that version of “man” is not masculinity. It’s ego wearing a costume. Following it makes you an egoistic human who happens to be male, and you deserve a better definition than that.

Before you start finding all sorts of cuss words to mail me, let me elaborate on what I mean.

Let’s play a quick game before I reveal the curtain. The game is simple: Flip the Script.

First, imagine yourself as a so-called masculine man. You can take the points I have mentioned as your reference. I won’t dwell on this part, as we have been talking about this side since we started. Imagined? Cool.

Now, let’s flip the script. Imagine yourself being empathetic, calm, and composed. Picture yourself doing your own chores just for the joy of it. Add a bit of selflessness to the picture, and be my guest if you feel a little kindness can complete it. If that’s difficult, think of a fellow you meet at a coffee place. He looks like he needs help. You greet him politely, help him, and show your kindness and empathy. When he thanks you, you gracefully accept it. I guess the picture’s been painted.

Now, a few questions. Which side felt less “masculine”? Which side felt “weak”? Which side do you think belongs to a so-called “weak man”? If you are an average male, you would probably say that the flipped script seems weak and less manly.

And that’s exactly where I would draw a line (y = mx + c).

If you picked the flipped script as weak, you’re not alone, and it’s not your fault. That is the very lie we have been fed by the media, by society (in some cases), and by the prevalent stereotypes surrounding us. The flipped script is exactly what I would call, and what is morally and practically, the true meaning of being a man: the True Definition of Masculinity.

Well, true masculinity, you see, is defined by the following traits (of course, these are not hard-and-fast rules, but they tend to give us a rough picture):

Emotional honesty. He can admit he’s hurt, scared, or wrong, and doesn’t hide behind a stone face. Self-control. He stays calm under provocation and can walk away from a fight without feeling smaller. Accountability. He owns his mistakes and keeps his word, even when it costs him. Respect, not fear. People trust him because he is fair and dependable, not because they’re afraid of him. Empathy and kindness. He notices when someone needs help and offers it without making a show of it, like in the coffee-place scene. Shared responsibility. He pulls his weight at home and doesn’t measure his worth by his paycheck. Quiet confidence. He has nothing to prove, so he has no need to mock anyone as “soft.”

Notice that none of these require you to be loud, powerful, dominant, massive, aggressive, etc. That’s because “Loudness + Power + Domination = Masculinity” is an equation that is completely incorrect. The true equation looks something like this:

Kindness + Empathy + Respect for Others + Quiet Confidence = Masculinity

As a man, you don’t have to be aggressive. You don’t have to dominate the room you walk into. You don’t have to farm “aura.” But you do have to be kind, caring, empathetic, confident, ambitious, focused, cheerful, loyal, and the list goes on.

So, from one man to another: the next time someone calls you “soft” for being kind, take it as a compliment. The people who mock empathy are usually the ones who are scared of it.

Masculinity was never about how loud you are, how big you look, or how many people fear you. It’s about who you are when nobody is watching, and how you treat people who can do nothing for you.

I’m not writing this as someone who has it all figured out. I’m 17, and I still slip up, get annoyed, and fall for the same stereotypes sometimes. This is as much a reminder to me as it is advice to you.

So start small, and don’t try to change overnight. Help someone this week. Admit a mistake. Ask for help when you need it.

And if, after all this, you still think I taught you masculinity, you’re wrong. That was never my point. I didn’t teach you to be a man. I taught you to be a human. And there is nothing more masculine than being a cheerful and kind one.